One of the biggest areas where I see leaders struggle is in having “hard” conversations.

But “hard” means different things to different people. 

And, there is a map that can help you get a deeper understanding of what “hard” means to you and others so that you can learn to move through “hard.”

That map is the Enneagram, an ancient source of wisdom with many modern applications in life and business. By understanding the Enneagram, you learn to read a map of what challenges you may face or what might be difficult for others on your team. It can be a fast (and deep) path to more self-awareness, eventually becoming a road map for navigating previously challenging conversations. Awareness + practice go a long way towards helping you have the conversations that are crucial for team alignment and performance.

As a preview, here are some basic patterns for how each Enneagram type structure may perceive a conversation as hard. Many of these patterns are unconscious, so learning about them helps to make the unconscious, conscious and the implicit, explicit.

Body/Gut Types (8, 9, 1)

The body types (which also represent how action is taken) may feel sensation rising through their gut as a reactive response that shows up differently in each of these three types.

• Type 8 (Active Controller): Will have no problem being direct. Other types can find type 8’s overly direct in some cases. Type 8’s will avoid territory that could make them appear weak or vulnerable. 
• Type 9 (Adaptive Peacemaker): May want to stay in their comfort zone and keep the peace by not bringing up anything that could be considered confrontational or bring more conflict to the surface.
• Type 1 (Strict Perfectionist): May have a calendar sense of right and wrong in a given situation but may not fully voice it. They could delay taking action if something is not perfect. They may also be experiencing a strong critical judge in their head defining the problem in black or white terms. 

Heart Types (2, 3, 4)

The heart types will not want to do anything that could disrupt connection, but it can look different for each type:

• Type 2 (Considerate Helper): May resort to flattery or compliments instead of saying anything that they assume could cause someone not to like them. 
• Type 3 (Competitive Achiever): May not want to bring up anything that could disrupt their image, make them look bad, or risk losing another’s approval. May skip over the emotions inherent in a conversation in favor of moving a task forward or driving an agenda.
• Type 4 (Intense Creative): May blurt out a reaction in the moment. May focus on comparisons with other people.

Head Types (5, 6, 7)

The head types tend to get analytical and can overthink things if they fear the outcome of a hard conversation could be uncomfortable.

• Type 5 (Quiet Specialist): May avoid the territory of other people’s emotions. They often require deep processing time. They prefer not to be put on the spot and expected to respond immediately without sufficient consideration.
• Type 6 (Loyal Skeptic): May play out plan A, B, C, and D for the conversation in their heads over and over. May doubt their own viewpoint and/or be skeptical of others' motives. 
• Type 7 (Enthusiastic Visionary): May want to keep the focus on positive aspects rather than anything that could be construed as negative. May not bring up items that could risk having their freedom limited.

Just by knowing which conversations are likely to feel hard for you, you can start to see the pattern and choose to work with it rather than unconsciously feel like you are trapped by the pattern itself. The more you understand why something feels especially hard for you, the better chance you have to face it consciously and perhaps keep yourself from getting stuck in never finding a way to meet a “hard” conversation head-on.

Learning how to navigate using the Enneagram takes awareness, practice, and diligence in applying your knowledge. Once you do, though, a whole new way of handling tough conversations becomes way less daunting. 

Practicing “hard” conversations before they happen

When I work with leaders 1:1 or in team settings, I like to help them practice a conversation that feels hard from the perspective of their Enneagram type. This is a safe space where they can play with different parts of themselves that are looking for expression but may not get the chance to speak up very often. For example, an Enneagram type 2 (Considerate Helper) could practice how to move to type 8 to be direct and to bring healthy pressure to a situation that is calling for a boundary. They can learn to express their needs more clearly and directly while moving through the fear that they may not be liked if they state what they need.

When a team learns to use the Enneagram, they have a new language for understanding what may be hard for them and what may be hard for another person on their team who leads with a different type. Understanding how to use the Enneagram as a map and guide to give feedback and to have hard conversations brings a whole new level of candor and clarity to the team dynamic.

And for new managers, getting this kind of exposure to the Enneagram as a system to help navigate tough conversations (among many other applications), is a game changer. 

💬 Can you start by noticing how your Enneagram type influences the conversations you are avoiding because you perceive them as “hard"?